Why We Encounter So Much Meanness Online – and How We Can Handle It

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Why We Encounter So Much Meanness Online – and How We Can Handle It

I have come across online hate and trolling myself, and I felt it was important to address this topic because it is closely connected to relationships and can significantly affect our health.

At Sculptera, we follow the philosophy that increased awareness is one of the most important tools for managing difficult situations. Here, I will explain why people write mean things online and provide a practical tool to help you stay grounded if you are targeted.

Why Do People Write Hurtful Things Online?

The Digital Mask

Psychologist John Suler (2004) describes the online disinhibition effect—we behave with fewer restraints online than in real life. Behind a screen, often anonymous, without eye contact or body language, our empathy decreases, making it easier to say things we would never say face-to-face.

When Anger Finds a Shortcut

Research shows that trolls often have personality traits linked to the “Dark Tetrad”: narcissism, psychopathy, Machiavellianism, and sadism (Buckels, Trapnell & Paulhus, 2014). For some, provoking and hurting others becomes almost pleasurable.

For others, it reflects difficulty managing their own emotions. According to the frustration-aggression hypothesis (Dollard et al., 1939), we may direct anger at something accessible when we feel frustrated or powerless. And what is easier than a comment section?

“Us vs. Them”

Humans crave belonging and identity. Social identity theory (Tajfel & Turner, 1979) shows how we divide the world into “us” and “them.” Online, this becomes even more apparent. The hurtful comment often isn’t about you as an individual but about the group you are perceived to represent.

How Online Hate Affects Health

Online hate can obviously harm the target. Self-esteem, a sense of safety, and in some cases physical health can suffer when repeatedly confronted with mean comments.

However, the person spreading hate is also affected. Constant anger, irritation, and conflict create stress in the body, which can harm mental and physical health over time (Coyne et al., 2020).

This doesn’t excuse the behavior—but it reminds us that the hate is not about you. Words reflect the sender’s inner imbalance and frustration, not your value.

A Tool for Handling Hurtful Comments

Being targeted can feel like a punch to the stomach, and it’s normal to feel upset. Here’s a tool to help you process it:

  1. Pause and reflect: Ask yourself, “Have I in any way hurt or offended anyone with what I wrote or shared?”

  2. If the answer is no: Remind yourself that the responsibility and problem lie entirely with the commenter. The words reflect their feelings, frustration, or needs—not you.

  3. Separate the comment from your identity: The words are about the sender, not who you are. Recognizing this creates a sense of freedom and protection.

  4. Build a mental filter: Imagine a filter that sorts out irrelevant or unhelpful comments. Only what helps you grow and understand passes through.

This simple reflection can make a significant difference. It reminds us that we don’t have to carry someone else’s frustration.

Conclusion

Online hate is unfortunately increasing, but with awareness, we can strengthen ourselves. We cannot control what others write—but we can control how we receive it.

Remember: Hurtful comments never define your value. They only reveal something about the person who wrote them.

References

Buckels, E. E., Trapnell, P. D., & Paulhus, D. L. (2014). Trolls just want to have fun. Personality and Individual Differences, 67, 97–102. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.paid.2014.01.016

Coyne, S. M., Rogers, A. A., Zurcher, J. D., Stockdale, L., & Booth, M. (2020). Does time spent using social media impact mental health?: An eight-year longitudinal study. Computers in Human Behavior, 104, 106160. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.chb.2019.106160

Dollard, J., Doob, L. W., Miller, N. E., Mowrer, O. H., & Sears, R. R. (1939). Frustration and aggression. Yale University Press.

Suler, J. (2004). The online disinhibition effect. CyberPsychology & Behavior, 7(3), 321–326. https://doi.org/10.1089/1094931041291295

Tajfel, H., & Turner, J. C. (1979). An integrative theory of intergroup conflict. In W. G. Austin & S. Worchel (Eds.), The social psychology of intergroup relations (pp. 33–47).


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